Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
