Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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