I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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