He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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