How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
