look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
