apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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