I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
do nipples grow back?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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