I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
