You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I want to fling myself into the sun
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
