i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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