i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
