Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
