This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
