what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
