Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You may now shotgun with the bride
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
