3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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