You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
