Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
