Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
