Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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