Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
