If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
