hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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