i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
