My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
