I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
