i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
