my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
