Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
