As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
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