I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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