Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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