I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
