I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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