why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
