After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I understand Curling. That high.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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