It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i've created a new STD.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
