my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
