this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
