she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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