Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
