she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
He has the fingertips of a God
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
