I want to have your abortion
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
