On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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