I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
