If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
