i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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