the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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