Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
