3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
