Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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